The Metrosexual Crusader in the Kingdom of Heaven

'Kingdom of Heaven', Ridley Scott's 2005 politically correct medieval vehicle with heart throb Orlando Bloom, lacks the grandeur and the epic feel of his previous success, 'Gladiator', and is burdened by a cliched plot which attempted to adhere to historical circumstances with simplifications. (It's a film after all!). With the lightweight Bloom spotting a constantly pained expression as the lead and his inability to carry the lead role, Bloom made for an invisible and forgettable protagonist. His lack of charisma and scene presence were painfully obvious and that was not assisted by his rather weak acting, think rasping in a soft man-hunk whisper throughout and posturing like a beef-cake pinup. He's the New Age man in the wrong era, a metrosexual crusader.

Of course, in the film, the crusaders were evil, not that some of them weren't self-interested powermongers in reality. In reality, Saladin, despite his celebrated chivalry in medieval and later romances, was no saint either, being guilty of perpetuating massacres, conducting betrayals, breaking of treaties. Similarly, Reynald raided caravens for profit, breaking treaties. For that period and circumstance, raids and skirmishes were the norm of the day, with battles being more of a rarity, though as Raymond of Tripoli had pointed out in the film (and in reality), the Saracens outnumbered the crusaders by vast numbers and Saladin was the leader of an empire and it would be unwise to wage war against him. In terms of the levels of power, the Kingdom of Jerusalem was merely a collection of coastal fiefdoms, Saladin had an empire in arms. Saladin had previously conducted raids and attempted invasions but those were either defeated or thwarted due to a variety of factors, with little to do with nonexistent crusader strategy.

Raiding was common throughout the region and also in Europe.

However, this being Hollywood, and political correctness is the current norm, the Saracens, read Muslims, are the noble enemy. Treachery? Yes, only the evil crusaders and Templars were capable of that.* And it was all up to the metrosexual crusader to try to save the day. Beard, beefcake appeal and immaculate hair. And there was Hattin. End of story. But that made the backdrop for a nonexistent siege of Jerusalem.

The upside? Some historical accuracy which I thought was great. For instance, the injuries from medieval combat according to some sources can be fixed. In fact, surgeons of that period were quite adapt at patching people up. However, what was not understood was infection. Thus, when the baron survived grievous wounds but ultimately succumbed to infection, one could tell that someone had done his or her homework.

Regarding that nonexistent siege of Jerusalem where the inhabitants 'fought for freedom' in Balian's words, the Saracens might have used some form of Greek fire but the trebuchets were shooting napalm and high explosives. Doh. Were the trebuchets in use at this point? I thought it was a late medieval weapon.

The fights with the war swords** were fascinating. Pommel to the face. Realistic. Crossbows were common in that period and that was depicted in the movie. The Saracens were known to be to be deadly afraid of them, whereas, the short bows utilised by the Saracens lacked penetrating power and there were accounts of men at arms in battle with several shafts stuck to their chainmail and cloth padding.

Balian of Ibelin was at Hattin and he was paroled by Saladin and released to see his wife. Instead, he took up arms and went to defend Jerusalem. Balian finally surrendered on terms. There was no siege at Jersualem. The inhabitants were ransomed, at ten pieces of gold for each person. And the poor who could not pay were sold in the slave markets. Saladin's brother took a thousand slaves for himself.

I think for most people, the problem with this Ridley Scott movie, was the rather prodding and uninspired narrative. No one I knew liked it. I had no problem with the pace but the script was pedestrian, the lines were cliches, the characterisation were that of standard stereotypes. Where have I seen those characters previously?

Somehow, an X-factor was missing too. 'Kingdom of Heaven' had more historical foundation than 'Gladiator' but yet...

On a related topic, Saladin was a Kurd. Saddam Hussein who protrayed himself as Saladin and built statues of himself as Saladin, killed thousands of Kurds. A recent Kurdish allegation was that he and his Baath party functionaries murdered over 100, 000 Kurds.

*The Crusaders did stupidly spark off the conflict after Raymond's truce. Saladin's buildup was not unknown and it would be a matter of time before he took the coastal states. Saladin's dream was to cleanse Europe of all infidels. He was no lamb or noble enemy. He was a religious fanatic, not unlike some of the crusaders.

** War swords. Hand and a half. Bastard sword.